You are not broken.

A series of lessons and reminders

May 29, 2023

I don’t have a fancy introduction or anything like that today. I just want to share some observations and encouraging reminders with my fellow sadgurlz.

Here’s what I’ve learned and noticed as a depressed woman:

You learn who’s really in your corner when you’re backed into it

When I’ve been “up”, I had so many people around me. Uplifting me. Wanting to collaborate. Wanting to be my “friend”. I thought we were all having a grand ol’ time together. But I didn’t realize that people were playing a game. They were networking. And in time, I discovered some of them had ill intent, were speaking badly about me, or didn’t like me and pretended to my face. It was so hurtful at the time, but what I experienced later was almost worse—the indifference.

When people realized I was really, really depressed and, in turn, now a “useless” piece on their gameboard, I was discarded. The texts ceased. The check-ins were few and far between. The collaboration requests disappeared. I went from people hitting me up constantly, and almost overwhelmingly so, to…near silence. Now, some of it was my doing. Depression makes you isolate yourself. You become a “bummer” to be around. Most connections are shallow, and “no one wants to hear all that.” But in a depressed mind, the loss of connection, even if that connection wasn’t real, only feeds into your bad feelings.

Luckily, I do have amazing friends and collaborators. When I was backed into a dark corner, they flipped on the lights, grabbed my hand, and said, “girl, come on!”. As weird as everything’s been, I’m so grateful for the opportunity to see the people around me who meant well. Sometimes when you’re at your lowest, you see who’s really down for you.

Be careful of those who want to take advantage of your sadness

Over a year ago, before I started this newsletter, I was documenting my depression on social media. It was a way to keep track of my moods, see my progress, and connect with others. It also signaled to predatory people that I was vulnerable, and they swarmed me like vultures.

I’d met a man at an event who asked for my contact information. I obliged because he seemed nice, but I didn’t know he was already following me on social media. What proceeded was the most awkward brunch I’d ever attended, and I’ve attended a LOT of awkward brunches 😆. He poked and prodded, asking me questions about my life that I didn’t want to answer. He felt entitled to my vulnerabilities, which is crazy because I already share a lot! And he even suggested that all I needed was a relationship with him to feel better. The more I refused to engage, the more aggressive he became. And although he tried to hold it in, I spotted the abusive energy and got TF out of there. This doesn’t just happen while dating. It’s also VERY prevalent in new people seeking platonic friendships as well.

While your depression can shine a light on the people in your corner, it can also attract those seeking easy prey. If someone you know (or don’t know) is suddenly interested in you just because you’re not feeling your best or tries to act as if they’re the key to your salvation…RUN. Please.

You are not broken

If you’re dealing with depression or burnout, I want to tell you that you’re not broken. Imagine taking a beautiful, magical creature meant to roam free and spread love and shoving them on a never-ending hamster wheel in the dark. The light only comes when they run fast enough. And it dims when they slow down. That’s what it’s like being human these days. No one can successfully navigate this. Some are given more tools by chance, but none of this makes any sense. So, nothing’s wrong with you if you can’t understand it. It’s by design. Take breaks, take breathers, recharge, explore new hobbies, try a new career. Do whatever you need to experience joy.

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Subscriber Question!

I asked what questions you’d like answered in today’s newsletter, and I received one:

“How did you overcome your suicidal thoughts?”

The answer is…I’m choosing delusion. To a depressed person, it can almost feel delusional to think you can be happy. When it feels like it’s always raining, the sun becomes a myth. But when I faced death, it didn’t take, ha. So, I’m taking that as a sign that I should probably try focusing on something else. When things don’t work out in my life, I pivot. And this is no different. I’m pivoting towards joy because the sadness isn’t serving me.

You don’t have to go through all I went through to get to that place. You just have to retrain your brain. Write out some positive mantras and tape them to your mirror. Say them every single day. If you can, minimize contact with people who make you feel bad about yourself. Revisit old hobbies. Read new stories. Watch new movies. Give yourself a makeover. The little things do help.

If you have a question you’d like answered by me, drop it in the chat!