On being queer, weird, and unlikeable.

Can't please everyone 🤷🏾‍♀️

I have a new therapist, and we’ve been discussing a lot, as you can imagine.

But there’s one topic that continually pops up for me—feeling unlikable.

This picture has nothing to do with anything, I just needed a photo here haha

As I’ve admitted here many times, I’m aware that I’m “weird”. I overshare, I cry too often, and I giggle at awkward times that seem to offend people. I’m indecisive, and any feeling of confusion stops me in my tracks. I say too much and sometimes not enough. Everyone thinks I’m so awkward, and to be fair…I am. 😆 I’m also not straight, which isn’t inherently strange, but it’s treated as such in some circles for sure.

Because of this, I run into some people who end up disliking me for what feels like no reason. In those moments, I try to remember this episode of Recess, where the infinitely-more-likable-than-me TJ finds himself at a loss when another student, Gordy, reveals that he doesn’t like him.

TJ’s confused because, well, everyone likes him, so he takes inventory just in case, asking every other student how they feel about him. And every single student confirms that he’s just the coolest. Every student but Gordy.

TJ then jumps into action, doing everything he can to change Gordy’s opinion of him. He bakes brownies, tries reverse psychology, crafts the perfect day with everything Gordy loves, and…it doesn’t work in the end. When TJ demands an explanation for Gordy’s feelings, he shrugs and admits he just doesn’t like him. There is no real reason. Defeated, TJ accepts that sometimes, some people just won’t like you.

A simple concept, but a hard pill to swallow.

I’ve met a few TJ’s in my life. Cool, calm, collected, and friendly. They usually know where every hole in the wall in every city lies. They’ve always got a friend they can hook you up with for whatever you need at any moment. Your tire’s flat? They’ve got you. You need help moving? No worries, they know a guy with a moving company who will give you a discount. Oh, you need a root canal? They know a dentist who’ll fix you up for free. I’m always in awe of these people whenever I meet them. It’s like they got their adult handbook in the mail early, and they’ve studied it every day since birth, mastering the art of being human.

I, on the other hand, never received a handbook. So, I’m always ten steps behind, analyzing people’s behavior in real-time and learning life lessons far too late. I used to look at the TJs around me in awe, hoping even a modicum of their confidence could rub off on me. But the fascinating thing is, whenever I’d grow close enough to have one of my trademark deep conversations with those I deemed more competent than myself, they always shared my frustrations and feelings.

The TJs of the world are also a bit anxious before walking into a room full of people. In between the socializing and connecting, they also have moments of loneliness, where they feel like they’re not truly seen. The TJs have learned that their innermost thoughts are best kept in their minds, so they only say what’s appropriate—and never too much.

I realized the magic of a TJ is that no one actually knows them. They don’t know their most intimate desires or their opinions on the color green. They don’t know that they hate the sound of chewing or that their boss’ attitude makes them want to scream into a pillow. I learned that TJs are fantastic chameleons and master suppressors. This sounds negative, but it’s admirable to me, honestly. I sometimes wish I could be like that.

But, alas, I’m like this. So, when I get down about being strange and unusual, I can always say, “Hey, even TJ was disliked.” Even Beyonce is disliked. Keanu Reeves is universally loved, and he’s even ruffled some feathers. And when I’m really down, I read this Bible verse:

 “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me [Jesus] first.”

I mean…real.

Hopefully, the Recess episode comforts you, too! In the meantime, I’m sensitive, so I’m working on building a life with fewer human encounters, ha.

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Now, to the more private thoughts…

I’m torn.

Torn between what I really want and what the world wants from me. I’m not sure what to do.

I tend not to trust my own desires or my intuition. And then, when I do, I’m often knocked down. And the bruising from the fall is a constant reminder of the mess up.

I moved away to feel better. Start over. Create life anew. Instead, I was traumatized. And I’m realizing it’s because I followed my desires…but to a point. I changed my destination at the last minute to make more sense for my career. The problem is…I don’t actually care about having a “career”. I really want peace. And a grand adventure. I know and have always known this. But I keep backtracking, changing, and seeking things that people tell me I should. I want to define life for myself and stick to it. Without any pressure.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

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