Being socially anxious in a new city means spending a considerable amount of time on my own. When I first moved, I hit the ground running. I tried apps, attended events, and reached out to acquaintances to possibly make some connections. And I did meet a handful of new people (as I excitedly and prematurely shared LOL)…but unfortunately, it’s not been working out. Some people I adore, but we just haven’t found the right time to reconnect. Others have been fun but fleeting. Then, there were the ones whose judgment inspired me to retreat into the comfort of my solitude, and I’ve been safe here ever since.
Safe, but lonely.
After spending the first week of the new year stuck in bed with an ailment, I had a lot of time to think…and I realized I’d spent the last three weeks feeling lonely. It makes sense because I have a lot to do. Lots of writing, working, and catching up—and most of it is solitary. I’m also naturally inclined to stay to myself. But as I laid up in bed playing dress-up games on my phone, sipping sodium-soaked canned soup, and chugging electrolytes, I decided that 2024 is the year I tackle my loneliness. And that starts with being okay with being alone.
Step 1. Be Okay With Being Alone
This isn’t going to be one of those “love yourself first, or no one will love you” posts. I honestly don’t believe that AT ALL. But I do think being comfortable on your own will help you make choices out of true curiosity and self-assuredness rather than filling a void with just anyone.
To feel more comfortable alone, I’ve been leaning into activities I already enjoy doing—like reading. We’ve been reading Coraline in my Weird Book Club, and it’s nice to know there’s at least a handful of people reading the same book who I can chat with.
I’ve also been dressing up and working/writing out in the world.
Do I speak to anyone while I’m out? No! But it feels less lonely being surrounded by other living, breathing humans also clicking away on their little keyboards. And I love any excuse to get dressed, ha. Once the clock strikes six, I head back home, and even if I didn’t say a word, I still feel accomplished.
I still have moments of impending dread…but I’m learning to identify the feeling and quickly fill it with something before it takes hold. It could be cooking, singing out loud, listening to a podcast, shopping at Target, or crafting. Today, I’m filling it with seeing Mean Girls solo. I’ve never been to the movies alone, but I’ve been enjoying exploring things independently rather than wallowing or seeking out ill-fitting company (or over-exerting myself with socializing).
Step 2. Talk to Yourself
I don’t care what anyone says—reassurance and compliments are very necessary for your self-esteem. We need to commune with people who will support and lift us up. But if you’re like me and you’re finding yourself alone more often than not, sometimes you can be that for yourself. When I’m not feeling my best, I’ll gas myself up either by writing gratitude statements in my journal or talking to myself in my mind. I haven’t evolved enough to do it out loud, but I’m sure it’s comforting. I think things like “It’s okay, I’m okay” or “Ooo, I did that! I’m proud of myself”.
Step 3. Talk to Your Close Friends
Feeling lonely doesn’t mean there’s no one in your life. Chances are you already have some friends and family you can reach out to, even if they’re not nearby. Sometimes, when I’m lonely, I’ll call/text a friend, and I always feel better. I’m notorious in my circle for sharing my every mundane thought and accomplishment…the latest being a trio of boiled cajun eggs I made…yes, I sent my friends pictures of boiled eggs…and they gassed me right on up! It’s the little things, ha.
Step 4. Figure Out How to Socialize in a Way That Works for You
I’ve realized I’m not the kind of girl who can network. Unless I have a more social friend I can cling to, I usually walk away from events empty-handed. What I excel at, though, is one-on-one conversation and connection. So, I’m trying to figure out a way to socialize that fulfills me. I don’t want to go to lounges with loud music or drink to lower my anxiety. I just want to gush over cartoons and cute sh*t with other people who get it. Those people are probably also in their homes, not going out…so I’m still brainstorming there. If you have any suggestions, please leave a comment.
Now, onto the other thoughts…
I’ve written about the ways I’ve f*cked up in the past, and it’s come full circle as I had a confrontation the other day with a person I care about. And I was at fault! For a moment, my anxiety made me an insufferable person. I apologized, and we’re good now! But I learned some lessons in the process…
Being sad or nervous is an explanation for some behaviors but doesn’t take away from the damage your anxiety can cause to others.