Sometimes, I'm the problem

Acknowledge and apologize when you've done wrong

I often write about feeling alien or out of place, how uncomfortable I am navigating social situations, and my complete disdain for traditional Corporate culture. But I don’t often write about the ways I’ve f*cked up.

I like to sit and take inventory of my thoughts and behavior from time to time. I know when my depression makes me a downer or when I’m dwelling on my woes for too long. I know when my anxiety ripples out and hits others. I can see how my awkward demeanor and forgetfulness make me seem aloof or unfocused. No, I didn’t cause these parts of myself. But they’re there, and they affect the people around me.

Just because I’m naturally forgetful doesn’t mean it’s ok to forget a birthday.

Yes, I’ve forgotten birthdays of close friends, family members, and even romantic partners. I think about adding it to my calendar, and then I’ll even forget to do that. For the longest, no one blamed me…until a boyfriend I had a few years ago. He was livid, and rightfully so. How could I say I care if I failed to remember a day that happens but once a year? At first, I was dismissive. Then the next year, I was defensive. The year after that, we weren’t a couple anymore, but because we were still friends, I made sure to wish him a happy birthday the night before his big day so I wouldn’t forget. He called me out on that as well. And this time, I sincerely apologized. Even if I didn’t mean any harm, harm was done. And an apology doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. It means I care about the damage I caused.

Apologies can be awkward sometimes.

There are a few people I’ve retroactively apologized to because it took me years, and many life experiences, to even realize I was wrong. Some accepted, and one remained radio-silent. And that’s ok because apologies don’t have to be accepted. But, because two things can be true, there are also times people have weaponized my guilt and demanded apologies that they wouldn’t accept. Instead, the bar to “earn” their forgiveness was lifted higher and higher and higher until I was panting from jumping through never-ending hoops.

Because of these experiences, I see apologies as an offering of a healing salve after someone’s been hurt. It won’t completely take away the pain, but if accepted, it could help. They could also have no use for the salve, so they wave away your offering and choose to heal without you. Then, there are those who demand you hand them the salve, even before you realize they’ve been hurt, and then they ask for more and more and more because they can see you’d do anything for their acceptance. In those cases, remember the salve is enough. You don’t owe your life to a person just because you’ve made a mistake.

Now, I must clarify that the kind of mistake I’m talking about here is missing a birthday or disappointing a friend. If someone is deeply and devastatingly harmful they’d need more than a salve to make things right.

Apologies can be awkward because it almost feels like we’re admitting guilt. But they show the other person that you hear them, you acknowledge them, and you care about their feelings. All good things!

What are your thoughts on apologies?

Updatesss:

• I created an Amazon storefront! If you like my outfits, my wigs, or my decor, you can buy everything I’ve got here.

• I made a personal Pinterest account! I’ll be pinning cool things, I promise!

• Check me out on The Blerd Girl Podcast, chatting about How to Be a Better Adult

• Remember, the final hardcover book shipment was shifted to July 10th 😭 so everyone should have a tracking number by July 15th. If you don’t get one after the 15th…please email me!

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