Making chocolate pudding at 4 am to feel something...

And other thoughts🌸

Hey Sadgirl!

Watching Stu Pickles stir pudding mix at four in the morning to regain control of his life made me think of the little things we do to grasp at some semblance of control when even breathing feels overwhelming.

Personally, I write here on Substack // I make playlists // I pray…hard // I book a hotel for self-care // I play mindless games on my phone // I call a friend // I watch old cartoons for the nostalgia // I block and unfollow people who make me feel bad // I eat little snacks and drink warm tea // I make a blanket cocoon and burrow into it // I read a book // I lay down and cry.

None of these things make a huge difference in the grand scheme of life, but…do they have to? Can’t mixing pudding at 4 am be enough? If it lifts your spirits, even for a moment, is it not worth something? I think it is.

So, whatever your 4 AM pudding is, I hope it serves you well when you need it.

Can you still love people, even after they disappoint you?

I think so.

Last week, I wrote about romanticizing my life by spending more time in nature, traveling, and meeting fascinating new people. This week, I found myself disappointed with one of the people I’ve met. My initial reaction was frustration and anger. Why am I always the person doing something “wrong” socially? Always asking too many questions. Too curious. Too eager. Too quiet. Too strange. Here to make others feel comfortable. Allowing them space to unzip their social constraints while they force me back into mine.

After a few days, though. I’ve let it go. People can only be who they are based on what they’ve experienced. Every person you meet isn’t just a bundle of quirks and cool traits. They’ve also got their own traumas, their own limiting beliefs, their own inner struggles. It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of meeting new people that we forget they’re just…people. Not magical beings. Well, maybe they are in a way, but still.

In the stream of creation, we’re all just buoys bobbing around. And sometimes we bump into each other. This is where grace comes into play. People will surely disappoint you. And depending on the offense, you can choose to love them anyway. I thank the people who choose to love me despite my own shortcomings.

More people care about you than you think.

After my social faux pas, I made one of those emo posts on Instagram stories. You know the ones. Where the poster announces they’re done with humans, for real this time. Yeah, that was me. I was in my feelings, okay! But, I received the kindest message from an old friend I haven’t spoken to in yearsssss. If you asked me if he remembered my name, I would’ve said, “No, probably not.” So I was shocked to see a notification from him. And I was touched to read the message. I’ll share just a small part:

Now, my frustration wasn’t with romantic relationships, but I appreciated this message all the same. I literally cried, ha. I know this friend from college, and he might not know, but I remember him fondly as well.

If you can believe it, I was much stranger in college, and he was a popular athlete, so to think he saw me as bubbly and outgoing and fun when I felt off-putting and weird and bizarre means so much to me.

I share this to say that more people see you in a positive light than you know.

Still screaming into the void.

Am I still trying to romanticize my life? Yes.

Do I feel amazed by the people I meet, and the places I see, and my body’s ability to recover? Yes.

Do I still want to scream into a pillow until my vocal cords ache? Yes.

Duality. Or…triality?

Things you should know.

• Check out this review of the Monster High series I’m writing!

• Follow me on Pinterest!

• Phantom Siita is my latest musical obsession — the perfect blend of cute and creepy

• This was both sad and inspiring

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Listen to my girly podcast!: The Magical Girl’s Guide to Life

Read my nerdy self-help book!: The Magical Girl’s Guide to Life

Follow me on Instagram!: @Jacqueaye