What are you running from?

Howl's Moving Castle & hiding your heart.

Jun 14, 2025

Hey Sad Girls,

I was up in the wee hours of the night, simmering in my feelings, listening to Leon Thomas’ latest album, MUTT, when I heard a familiar sample. His song “Dancing with Demons” opens with these words:

Then one day, his heart was stolen by a demon
He never returned to complete his apprenticeship
And from that day forward
He has been using his magic for entirely selfish reasons
That boy is extremely dangerous
His powers are far too great for someone without a heart

It’s the monologue recited by Madame Suliman in Hayao Miyazaki’s Howl’s Moving Castle.

In case you haven’t seen Howl’s Moving Castle, it follows a young woman, Sophie, who’s cursed by the Witch of the Waste and forced to live out the rest of her life as an elderly woman. Her back is hunched, her hair silver, and she hobbles along on a wooden cane. Soon she meets Howl, an infamous wizard who’s rumored to snatch the souls of beautiful women and lives in a moving castle—never planting roots or staying in any one place too long.

Howl is also heartless, literally, as he’d given up his heart to Calcifer, a fire demon, as a child. In exchange for his heart, Calcifer can live on, and he grants Howl immense power.

The downside? Howl loses his ability to truly feel or experience love. And as he grows, he becomes obsessed with keeping up appearances, hiding his true form behind intricate jewels, incredible hair, and powerful glamour magic. Isolating himself in his moving castle.

This is something we’ve all experienced as the wheels of time spin onward. We give up, maybe not our whole hearts, but parts of them to past romantic interests, to our jobs, to caregivers who were supposed to love and protect us.

Until one day we become heartless like Howl.

Constantly shapeshifting to avoid vulnerability, hiding behind aesthetics and filtered Instagram posts. Losing ourselves in relationships and wearing job titles like shields and cloaks. Sitting alone in our rooms like Rapunzel. Buying blinged-out Labubus. Anything to protect our vulnerable hearts from anyone who may truly see us.

Howl is the ultimate avoidant.

Never committing to anything. Changing with the wind. Accepting fear and awe over love. But it’s Sophie’s unwavering patience that wins him over in the end. She doesn’t bend or twist or perform for his approval. She just keeps showing up as herself. She doesn’t coddle Howl or try to force him to change. She accepts him as is, while accepting herself as is—silver hair, wrinkles and all. And it’s that confidence and consistency in care, the fact that she never abandons him, that allows him to finally feel safe enough to reveal his heart.

I’ve been Howl.

I’ve shielded parts of my heart, snatching it away at any perceived threat. Concealing the depth of my care behind ill-placed giggles, social media detachment, and literally running away. I sometimes catch myself. I explain. I apologize. But oftentimes the damage is done. The other person’s sense of safety is shaken. They think I’ll abandon them eventually, even if I make it clear that I care, I’m just afraid, and I’ll always come back…but that trust is hard to recover.

That’s when I try to be Sophie, doing my best to keep showing up, to prove I won’t abandon a person I care about, even when it hurts. But sometimes it hurts too much, and I’m left wondering how much hot and cold I can take before I break my own heart.

"You should love yourself first-" 🤚🏾

Jacque Aye

May 20

Read full story

Going back to Leon Thomas’ song (Dancing With Demons), he sings about being heartless in another way. Burying his desires under vices. Staying up all night, drowning himself in whatever he can to escape his feelings. He can’t save himself, but also never “learned to ask for help”, so he simply gets high to escape…

…Like my character Mona in How to Escape Death.

She doesn’t ask for help. She’s overwhelmed by the future, runs from her past, and ignores the present. She hides her heart and numbs her feelings with marijuana smoke. Her achievements and finances become her shield and cloak, but she’s truly terrified and helpless. And just like Howl, it takes someone loving her through her worst for her to stop “running” and finally open up.

While I may not smoke, I do run. I’m running right now. But maybe one day someone will see all of me and plant their feet, unafraid of my tears, my silly disposition, my verbose processing, or my strange mind. Until then, I’m keeping my heart safe.

I’m taking time away from social media

I know whenever people make these announcements it’s usually followed by groans and eye-rolls, but because I’m aware of how I’m perceived and received, I choose to give people a heads up so no one worries or wonders. If you’d like to read more about my break, check out this post.

I’ll still be here on Substack sharing my thoughts and reflections, but I do want to detach from doom-scrolling, creating daily content, and being inundated with bad news and overwhelming advice. I’ve been writing about escaping the grind all year, and the time is finally here!

When I return, I want to make it work for me, rather than becoming a court jester for the algorithm. I might even go live on…dun dun dun…TWITCH!

I will say that my six-month social media speed run definitely helped me grow my readership and has allowed me the space to take a break.

We raised $14,000 for Tuesday’s Blues!

Thank you so much to everyone who backed and supported my Kickstarter! I was so anxious, and I’m excited it’s over, honestly. Now…to write! Also, I was featured on Yahoo Entertainment, if you’d like to read.

Any NY-based Sad Girls looking for a magical parttttyyyy!? Check out the Sailor Moon Day Party this month! I’m a sponsor of the event, and while I won’t be able to attend, I would love it if my people showed up and out 💕Purchase tix here.