THIS REALLY HURTS.

Breakups are not for the weak.

Hii!

Every week I’ll share personal essays from fellow Sadgirls in our community. For now, let’s call it…Sadgirl Submissions! This allows us to share our experiences with each other and normalize emotional expression. This week’s essay is from Ayo, who says: “Hi, I’m Ayo. My heart is full and I have a lot of say. If you want to experience my journey through life with me, you can find me at

𝐹𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝒜𝓎𝑜🎀

.” If you’d like your essay considered, check out this post.

You’re comfortable in bed. It’s cold outside, and so it’s cold inside. You’re under the covers, blissfully warm and unbothered about the harsh weather. You reach toward the other side of the bed, but it’s empty. You’re confused, a bit hurt, and scared. You lie in bed a little longer, then see your lover walk back, tea in one hand, and a chapstick in another. He knows it’s cold too, and went to make sure it doesn’t disturb your rest. You smile.

Moments like that, I believe, are the most precious parts of being in love. Those times when you can really feel the affection the other person has for you. I think those things, those gestures and quiet moments shared in the middle of a storm, are what I’ll miss the most about being in love.

I’m losing the love of my life.

Not in a traditional sense, and not due to deceptions or machinations, but to the one thing beyond our control: life. To the call of new opportunities we aren’t able to leave unanswered.

I spend some days crying, then some fine and strong, then some angry and bitter, then some feeling inspired to go on a hike or learn to bake. In my feeling of loss, I’ve found how completely nonlinear grieving is, and how much pain the human heart can endure.

I’ve been told I’ll be fine, that my pain is normal and the weight in my chest is expected. That with time I’ll laugh normally without feeling heavy, and I’ll watch two people fall in love on my screen without bursting into tears. I haven’t been told how long this time will take, or what I’m meant to do in the time till then.

My love is still present in my life. His kindness and presence help me, but they also remind me of what a gentle soul he is, and how someday, someone else may see that soul and claim it as theirs.

I do not think I am pathetic for being sad. It is a new year, and while many are setting new goals and planning ahead, I spend my time in and out of tears. And I do not think that’s wrong. I linger in and out of unconsciousness, wishing that life could be more just. That doesn’t make me less. I hardly have the strength to do things for myself. But I think that’s okay.

I think my sorrow is a testament to my love. I think my pain is a show of how much I’ve loved. And I think I may be in pain for some time to come. Because I loved, and love him, so much.

I promise to finish this tale, maybe when I’ve healed, or maybe if we rekindle things, or after whatever great plan life has for me has played out.

But till then, don’t allow my words to scare you away from the beauty that is love.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Read my surreal novel: How to Be a Better Adult

Read my nerdy self-help book!: The Magical Girl’s Guide to Life

Follow me on Instagram!: @Jacqueaye