Sticky Emotions and Golden Honey Goodness.

The truth: I am not where I want or thought I would be.

Hii!

Every week I’ll share personal essays from fellow Sadgirls in our community. For now, let’s call it…Sadgirl Submissions! This allows us to share our experiences with each other and normalize emotional expression. This week’s essay is from

Sunny Dae

—a writer and storyteller navigating the world at the intersection of where Beyoncé meets Martha Stewart. Where her love for process and planning (VIRGO) combines with her commitment to telling beautiful stories. Sunny writes about women who are on a journey of healing and self-discovery, but who might spin the block on a situationship every now and then, because healing is not linear.

If you’d like your essay considered, check out this post.

Last week I had therapy. As one actively undergoing the practice of healing does. And while therapy is usually a space where I allow an unabashed vulnerability (read: the only space), my therapist usually has to do a bit of mining to get me there. But babyyyyyy this time, I all but RAN to our Zoom session.

“I really need our session today. I have a LIST of things.”

The truth is, I am/was/have been sad. Confused. Feeling despondent. And of course, this is not the first time I’ve felt these things - I am human after all (a 2024 realization of mine, because literally who knew?!). But my MO is to get straight to the fixing. To move PAST the feelings, not through them. Cranes in the Sky? Solange wrote that for me.

The thought of really sitting in the discomfort of deep, layered emotions? Not really my bag. I’m the girl who works hard and makes it look effortless. I’m beloved. By my family, friends, and community alike. The mediator in my friendships. Me and my exes? Amicable. The one who got away = Me. The aspirational big sister, big cousin, and big sister-cousin. I have it all figured out, and if/when I don’t, I fucking figure it out. But I can’t outrun the emotions anymore. Sadness. Anger. Jealousy. I’m feeeeeelingggg them. And that’s ok. It just means I have to check in with myself. What must be released? What must be rejuvenated? What do I value? What must be protected and restored? Where do I need stronger boundaries? What betrayals must be recognized and healed? What do I desire and want to offer?

This year has been transformative, to say the least. So many personal and professional strides and wins - a cross-country move, a career pivot, re-starting my therapy journey. And then, like a ton of bricks, a reality I’d been suppressing hit me all at once. The truth: I am not professionally, financially, or romantically where I want or thought I would be. Wow. It’s out there.

I’m a winner. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. And all year, I’ve been floating on a cloud of “fearlessness,” defying gravity if you will. Until the last few weeks brought ya girl back down to Earth.

My blind optimism and maybe slight delulu, were suddenly replaced with panic and fear. Am I doing enough to launch and sustain a new career? Am I disciplined enough? Did I think this pivot through? AND questions around what “winning” for me at 32 looks like. My wants and desires are different than they were in high school, or college, or my 20s. I’d like to sell a tv show (or two or three) AND I’d love to start a family in the next few years. I left a 6 figure salary because I’d like to bet on myself and explore a new passion, AND I’d love to buy a house. AND I love taking international vacations. AND I love shopping. AND hosting. AND AND AND. Suddenly, I began to wonder if the juice was worth the squeeze?!

That coupled with feelings of immense loneliness - I am a social girl, but I miss having someone to do nothing with. I’m happy for the healthy marriages, engagements, pregnancies, and other love milestones that my amazing friends are undoubtedly deserving of AND disappointed that it feels like I continue to strike out. Granted, I am doing the shadow work and unlearning unhealthy patterns to really prepare myself for a healthy, reciprocal, loving partnership, but God I’m tired of being your strongest soldier.

In the past month, I’ve learned that my ex is now talking to a girl I was just in a wedding with and actually enjoying getting to know. Did they meet at the wedding? Well, yes. Did my ego contemplate getting my lick back (easy)? Of course. But, my self-respect decided neither of them deserved access to me anyway.

A deranged love bomber went to extreme lengths to get my attention. And babyyyy we thank God for growth. It left me completely disturbed, which I’m sure was not the reaction he was hoping for. Weirdo. An ex turned friend reached out to me to help him navigate his feelings around a breakup he’s going through. And while I feel wholeheartedly that they’ll work it out, it also made me contemplate how much of myself I’ve given to people that an ex and I have built so much rapport that EYE have become his support system?

And finally, I had to be honest with myself that while things with the guy I’ve been seeing for the past few months aren’t bad, things are simply not enough. And I deserve it all. Instead of having a pity party, I went to my friend’s holiday party to distract myself. I was on the verge of tears all night, but I got dressed up and put on a brave face. I tried to talk to new people, I even participated in the activities. And at some point, my friend pulled up a chair next to me, crossed her legs, and asked, “How is your dating life? I’m sure it’s hilarious!” B*tch. Respectfully, of course.

You cannot outrun your emotions. I’m talking to me, but to you too if it resonates. Like I said, I had a laundry list of things to talk about with my therapist, Angel. And as always, she encouraged me to explore my emotions and the questions they bring up with compassionate curiosity, not a judgemental investigation. We did a reflection exercise as we prepared to usher in the new year, and she asked me to think of a happy moment I’ve experienced and to pair a color that I identify that happiness with.

I remembered one morning in April, I was driving down LaCienega headed to my screenwriting residency. This was the day we were going to meet Mara, a MF TV legend! The sun shone like a golden bumblebee in the sky, and it was clear enough to see the Hollywood sign perched amongst the rolling hills. I was beaming. Legit smiling like the Cheshire cat. And I cried - happy tears. Proud tears. I was so overcome with joy and gratitude. I knew I’d made the right decision coming back to LA. I felt affirmed in my decision to pivot careers. If I, a novice writer was in the company of legends I must be doing something right?! I felt more inspired and rejuvenated than I had in years. And I felt a divine presence envelop me. Pure unfiltered joy. I think of that day often.

And so, while I know the sticky emotions will continue to ebb and flow the only way through them is, well, THROUGH them. I will continue to hold on to the memory of that golden honey goodness I felt that Friday morning in April, and know that happiness and fulfillment has found me, and will find me again. In 2025 and beyond!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Read my surreal novel: How to Be a Better Adult

Read my nerdy self-help book!: The Magical Girl’s Guide to Life

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