Notes from a Tired Black Girl.

Escapism is failing me.

Hii!

Every week, I’ll share personal essays from fellow Sadgirls in our community. For now, let’s call it…Sadgirl Submissions! This allows us to share our experiences with each other and normalize emotional expression. This week’s essay is from Sehinne, who says: Hi!! My name is Sehinne (my poetry account on insta is @injeraforthought), and I’m a 16-year-old high schooler from the Bay Area.”

Note: Please be supportive of Sehinne in the comments! It takes a lot of guts to write so fiercely at such a young age. If you’d like your essay considered, check out this post.

My birthday was just on Christmas Eve, and although I’m freshly sixteen, I feel so much older than I am. I’ve had to mature faster than a lot of other people my age; I skipped the first grade, so I naturally had to grow up a little quicker to “catch up” to everyone else. I’ve also gone through experiences in my life that have caused me to mature, such as a recent diagnosis with Type 1 Diabetes and some family things. I feel like a 70-year-old trapped in a teenage body, but without the wisdom and with all the effects of aging on the brain.

This exhausts me entirely.

I try not to let my circumstances be an excuse to fall behind, or to sulk in the things I can’t control, but it’s a lot harder to do than to say. When your own body seems to be working against you, it’s hard to feel like you really have control over anything. Nonetheless, I try to be a good student, a good friend, a good daughter, and a good person in general. I feel as though I am, but that’s all I am. Just good. A lot of my motivation has been fleeting, and maybe it’s just a case of the junior year, or the sick sixteen, but I feel as though it takes a complete reset and cleansing to be able to garner the strength to do anything more than the minimum in things I usually care about.

Part of it is because of the state of the world we are living in. Escapism is failing me: as a Black girl, I feel as though everywhere I try to run to when the communities around me remind me that I am unwanted almost everywhere is just a reflection of the same realities of the world I live in. Media does not reflect my melanin. I love movies, but there are no films where a girl that looks like me can fall in love without struggle, or can be the hero without being the sidekick, or can escape the horror house without being the first to die. White girls are living in their “soft girl era,” but I get stares for wearing dresses and bows to school. I feel othered in every room I walk in. Being an East African girl in the 21st century is a trip; my features are “too Eurocentric” to be Black (which has never made sense to me at all!!), and “too Black” to fit in. I feel like an amalgamation everywhere but in my own room.

When I try and step back into the real world, I am immediately forced to be on defense. I am an aspiring activist, and a part of multiple youth social justice programs. After lots of reflection, I realized that being a Black girl that *cares* about the world is extremely difficult. I am already expected to be the image of a stone-cold warrior, whether I am a part of activism work or not. I am not allowed to show my emotions, nor to let my righteous anger out into the world because no anger from me will ever be considered okay. That is only amplified in the world of social justice. City council and school board members will cut off your microphone during public comment the second your voice raises, and God forbid you let out a cuss word. However, zionist white women can exclaim that they believe all Palestinians should burn (true story!), and these same “esteemed” members of our city will sit at their glorified high chairs and nod along.

After reading all this, you must think I’m a miserable girl, and I can admit that at times, I am. I feel as though social media has pushed me into trying to hate being sixteen before I’ve even experienced it myself. It’s exhausting being a girl on platforms where I am surrounded by women. I was never meant to compare myself, my body, my journey, to people in their 20’s and 30’s. Seeing people who have already been through their terrible teens and are thriving as adults can make me feel like my life and my experiences are lesser than.

However, with much introspection, there is not a part of my life I would change. Every aspect of my story has molded and shaped me into the person I am today. I have dreams of talking to my younger self, the outcasted little girl who never had a true best friend to run to, and she smiles at me with all 30 teeth (her front 2 are probably missing). I am the girl she wants to grow up to be. This sh*tty essay is my way of trying to sever all ties to the negativity I hold so close to me.

My life may be challenging, but I have no challenges in my life that I cannot overcome. I may feel like I’m only “good” right now, but I’m only 16! The place I am at right now is only a few steps from the starting line, and I’m so far away from meeting a fully blossomed version of myself. Nonetheless, I will take my time to enjoy being a bud. I refuse to let myself cycle into a state of never-ending melancholy while only being less than a month into my 16th year of life. I have so many new things to experience; so much I don’t know I’m passionate about yet, so many people I don’t know I love yet, so many accomplishments I’m proud of that I haven’t even done yet. With that “mantra” on the forefront of my mind, I step into my 16th year around the sun with these three goals in mind:

1. Write more.

2. Care less.

3. Live in whatever version of me I am currently in. Do not sulk in the past or yearn for the future.

Thank you for reading this. I don’t know if this was very good, or if it will really help anyone else, but I know it helped me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an AP Environmental Science essay that I’ve been putting off all week, which will be a lot less fun to write than this one was!

With lots of love,

Sehinne :)

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Read my surreal novel: How to Be a Better Adult

Read my nerdy self-help book!: The Magical Girl’s Guide to Life

Follow me on Instagram!: @Jacqueaye