Nightmare! at the Disco.

Mychal the Librarian details living with a nightmare disorder.

Hii!

Every week, I’ll share personal essays from fellow Sadgirls/guys/people in our community. For now, let’s call it…Sadgirl Submissions! This allows us to share our experiences with each other and normalize emotional expression. This week’s essay is from the internet’s favorite librarian—Mychal the Librarian! Mychal just launched a substack himself…check it out here!

Mychal the librarian is the vulnerable hero we need.

If you’d like your essay considered, check out this post.

Photo by Elizabeth Dyer Photography @elizabethdyerphotography

I adore sleep. I LOVE sleep! But I rarely come across sleep. Since I was about twelve years old, I’ve had nightmare disorder. Meaning I often have nightmares every night. If I sleep more than four hours, I’ll have a nightmare almost every single time. They are remarkably frightening. The amount of times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and been so shook by the nightmare that it takes me hours to feel safe is alarming. Occasionally, the leftover terror from these nightmares will result in a panic attack.

Now, I already mentioned that I love sleep, but I do NOT love nightmares during sleep (surprise, surprise). In fact, there have been periods of time in my life where I’ve been essentially afraid of sleep.

My nightmares started years ago when I slept-walked out of my second-story window. Yes, you read that right! As far as I know, it’s the only time I’ve ever slept-walked. But I had a nightmare that my brother had been taken through my bedroom window and fled. I took off after them and jumped out the window—and woke up literally jumping out of the window. Luckily, I wasn’t catastrophically injured. I landed on my feet and significantly bruised both heels. I haven’t slept well ever since that night.

Now, Mychal, you may be asking…haven’t you ever gotten help? I’ve tried, LOL. My psychologist and therapist have tried all sorts of things to help. My mom recommends magnesium on a weekly basis. Unfortunately, none of the things I’ve tried have truly worked.

But I haven’t given up hope! One day, I will be nightmare-free for one week (smile). I just know it!

Okay, okay…to the happier components of this piece! What do I do on the frequent nights when I can’t sleep? For the longest time, I binge-watched all sorts of shows. Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, HBO Max…I have seen seasons on seasons on seasons of television. It was quite helpful working at the library! Lots of people think it’s important for librarians to love books and want to talk about them, and it’s true! But knowledge of TV shows and movies…there are more of these discussions happening with library users most library days (at least in public libraries).

But lately, I’ve been reading a lot more. I’m reading physical books, I’m using Libby at 1.25x speed to tear through audiobooks. Biographies, thrillers, fiction, picture books, YA…I’m a person who reads more than one book at a time.

A lack of sleep has allowed me to hastily read Rebecca Yarros’ series to prepare for ONYX STORM. A lack of sleep allowed me to get through a significant amount of the National Book Award finalists before the winners were announced (loved “James” by Percival Everett, “Buffalo Dreamer” by Violet Duncan, “Kareem Between” by Shifa Saltagi Safadi, and so many more). Additionally, a lot of Internet friends have been asking for book recommendations and I’ve been able to set aside more time to offer book suggestions for library kids and library grown-ups.

I’ve never been ashamed of my nightmare disorder, I just am not that fond of it. Recently, I posted to social media talking about my disorder. Honestly, I don’t know why I did it. I think I’ve just been realizing lately how much people feel alone, and perhaps part of why they feel alone is because they also suffer from frequent nightmares. I’m glad I shared it because so many people messaged me or told me in other ways about their own nightmares and various sleep troubles. A reminder, yet again, that we are all in this struggle bus of a life going through it, and it’s okay to ask for help and be willing to accept the help.

I am not saying, “Yay, nightmare disorder!” I am saying, “Hello, nightmare-having friends! I’m up at 2 am, too. Let’s talk about books! What are you reading? What are you going to read? Don’t read Stephen King right now, think of your nightmares!” As I write this, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I just hope, if you’ve gotten this far, that you know you’re not alone.

There will be a night without nightmares, there will be a week without nightmares, there may even be a month without nightmares in your future! I’m right here with you, wide awake.

Looking through my stack of books, browsing Libby with my library cards hoping there’s not a long waitlist for whichever audiobook I decide upon.

This librarian is rooting for you to get sleep—free of nightmares. Like eight hours worth of no nightmares at night! Wouldn’t that be a dream? What book are you reading, by the way? (:

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Thank you, Mychal, for sharing with us! I hope your nightmares become dreams this year. If you’d like to catch up with Mychal, join the Weird Book Club! In February, we’re reading a book of his choosing, “One of Us Knows” by Alyssa Cole—follow along!

Along with the read, the club is hosting a poetry contest with a cash prize, judged by a rapper I adore, so…join the book club and prepare your best bars!

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Read my surreal novel: How to Be a Better Adult

Join my Book Club: The Weird Book Club

Follow me on Instagram!: @Jacqueaye